This page carries a health (and some might add humour) warning.  The administartors of this site take no responsibility for the content and if contacted will respond with our standard legal disclaimer - "It wisnae me!" If you are easily offended please go to another page.

Welcome to what we hope will be become the number one gossip column for all things gaelic in the future. Although the main aim of the page will be to expose parochial issues that affect our club and county, we are sure that individuals and incidents we highlight will strike a chord with the rank and file GAA member. Although we claim to have the higher than normal number of dim witted, shifty, forgetful and down right stupid members within our ranks we are confident that intellectually challenged members are to be found in all clubs.

Sheep's Eye initially appeared as a column in our ill fated club newsletter, Take it to a Meeting. It proved to be highly popular with the general membership of the club (excluding the moral majority of course) and among deadbeats in a variety of run down seedy Glasgow Irish bars. If you are the type who would frequent establishments of this nature then this page is for you.  From time to time we will also plagiarize articles of amusement from other publications and web sites.

HURLING  IN HEAVEN

Our thanks to the camog who forwarded this joke in.  If you have any similar GAA related jokes or stories send them in. 

Two 90 year old women, Grace and Hilda have been friends all their lives.It became clear Grace was dying,and HIlda  visited her every day.One day Hilda says,"Grace we both loved camogie all our lives and we played together  for many years right up from under 12s. Please do me one favour,When you get to heaven,somehow you must let me know if Hurling is played up there".

Grace  looks up at Hilda from her deathbed,"HIlda you`ve been my best friend for many years. If it is at all possible,I`ll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that,Grace passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later,Hilda is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of light and a voice calling out to her,"Hilda! Hilda!". "Who is it ?" asks Hilda sitting up suddenly.
"Hilda it is me Grace.""You are not Grace,Grace has just died.""I`m telling you it is me Hilda," insists the voice."Grace !Where are you ?""Im in Heaven"replies Grace. "I have some really good news and a little bit of bad news.""Tell me the good news first," says Hilda.

"The good news ," says Grace, "is that there is Hurling in Heaven.Better still all our old buddies who died before us are here, too.Better than that,we`re all young again.Better still,it`s always springtime and it never rains or snows,so there is no need for a defunct refixtures commitee to mess things up.and best of all,we can play all the hurling we want and we never get
tired or injured......"

"Thats fantastic," says Hilda."it is beyond my wildest dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You`re playing corner forward Tuesday night!"
 

A Fool Such as I

Shock as Harte takes Old Trafford Position

GAA followers in Tyrone have been stunned by the announcement that All Ireland Gaelic football winning manager Mickey Harte has been appointed to Sir Alex Ferguson’s coaching staff at Old Trafford. The inspirational Tyrone boss will take up the new post of Performance Director at Manchester United with immediate effect. It is understood that Ferguson has been tracking Harte’s progress for a number of years, the pair having first met at the Belfast Telegraph’s Sports Awards in Belfast, where, according to Old Trafford insiders, ‘they instantly hit it off.’ Speaking at today’s press conference Sir Alex said: ‘We tried to get Mickey on board last summer but Tyrone beat Dublin, so that meant he had those commitments. We also tried to get him in 2004 but circumstances meant he couldn’t leave.’ ‘It’s fabulous news for Manchester United and I am delighted he is joining us. Since Carlos [Quiroz, the current Portugal manager] left, we have been missing someone to get the optimum performance from the players. Mickey has proved he can do it at the highest level with players of the highest skill.’ Mickey Harte said that although the decision to leave his beloved Tyrone team was very difficult, he ‘technically supported Manchester United since he was a boy’, growing up with tales of the Busby Babes and following Charlton, Best and Law: “This is a good place to be if you want to be the best you can be in sport. Gaelic Football was my first love but in life sometimes an opportunity presents itself. I have been involved with Tyrone in a number of roles for nineteen years. I always tell the players to seize every opportunity to be the best, to be ambitious for the higher gifts. So when Alex called, he made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. And so, this is a new journey, a new chapter and we’ll see where it takes us.” Harte is known to be a fan of Sir Alex Ferguson, publicly praising his methods in the past. Both men share a fierce will to win and a commitment to attacking football. One thing it is unlikely Harte will share with Sir Alex is his customary post-match bottle of fine wine. Harte is a confirmed tee-totaller and member of the Pioneer Total Abstinence Association. However, his experience of dealing with the likes of Ricey, Owen Mulligan and Sean Cavanagh will be an asset in getting the best out of Rio Ferdinand, Anderson, Ronaldo and Company. In the past a number of GAA coaches have been linked with Premiership Clubs – Armagh defender and sports psychologist Enda McNulty was linked with Aston Villa and  former Armagh and Derry trainer, John McCloskey was close to joining Chelsea. Although a number of former GAA players have had successful careers including Martin O’Neill and Kevin Moran, this is the first time a manager has made the jump.

 

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Take the Redneck  test to see how much of a Culchie you are.

 

Tir Conaill Harps’ membership, as the name suggests, has strong roots in the Donegal community who left the hills and farmlands of  their native land to search out a better life here in Glasgow. Since those early days fifteen years ago, the demographic of the club has changed dramatically with our members coming from a multitude of countries and cultures . But we can’t forget the peculiar practices and customs inherent in our country people from dear old Donegal.  Please answer the 50 Questions, total your number of Yes answers and multiple by 2 to get what percentage of bogtastic you are.  Your feedback on the Guestbook would be appreciated. 

Are any of your family called "Mick" "Paddy" or "Seamus"
Do you have more than fifty relations with the same surname?
Have you ever heard the death notices on radio?
Would you have Bacon and Cabbage at least once a week?
Have you ever used the phrases "hey" "By god" or "Oh Lord"?

Have you or your wife ever entered the Mary From Dungloe contest?
Have you ever driven a car into a ditch?
Have you ever used the phrase "It's a soft day"?
Have you went to Quinns on the 'big match day'?
Have you played football with at least two cousins on the team as well?
Can you name more than 3 manufacturers of tractors?
Have either Big Tom, Mick Flavin, Philomena Begley or Margo played a concert within 10 miles of your house?
At any stage during the summer can you step out your door & get the smell of freshly spread slurry?
Do you know how to foot turf?
Have you ever been at a "25 drive"?
Have you ever been at a "dinner dance"?
Have you ever reared or eaten any home grown produce?

Do you buy The Dealer on a regular basis?
Does your water supply come from a well?
Are you currently in possession of a pair of Wellington boots?
Have you ever heard anyone refer to the smell of freshly spread slurry as "a grand healthy smell"
Do you have a cattle grid or other style gate to keep wandering animals out of your front lawn / flower garden?
Have you ever taken fresh eggs from under a hen?

Have you ever referred to a motor vehicle as a yoke ?
Can you or have you ever driven a tractor?
Is hurling the most entertaining of these activities? Soccer, Rugby or Hurling?
Is there a lack of or no street-lights in your locality?
Do you own a wireless?

Do you bring back bottles of football special in the summer?
Do you know the difference between Hay & Silage?
Have you ever milked a cow or goat?
If by choice you could marry a local would you do so?
Would it be desirable that he/she was an only child to a wealthy farmer?

Have you ever kept a farm animal in the house?
Are you in possession of a tweed cap?
Have you ever thought that a toblerone was exotic?
Have you ever drank a wee one and a chaser?
Do you know who Miley is?
Is the parish priest one of the most powerful men in your community?
Have you travelled to Donegal on a coach with a farm animal on it?
At any stage in your life, was your chat up line ever, "are you dancing"?
Do you ever look up in the sky when you hear a helicopter?
Is your local shop more than a mile from your door?
Have you ever referred to a city person as a townie?
Is a neighbour within 5 houses on either side of you a farmer
Have you been to a disco chaperoned by a local priest
Have you ever had to climb over walls or hedges to get anywhere
Have you ever been misunderstood because of your accent?
Are you currently in possession of a flask?

Have you a relation with the surname Boyle, Doherty or Gallagher?

Return of The Dissident Gaels

County Conventions are usually pretty mundane affairs with reports, reports and even more reports on the previous year’s activities being poured over by those unfortunate enough to be delegated by their club’s to attend. However, this year’s Scotland convention was brought to life and thrown into chaos in one fell swoop with the arrival of two members of the shadow county board refereed to as the “ two hoboes “by a prominent harps official. The two dissident gaels were are at the forefront of a protracted wrangle with the county board over the ownership and future use of Pearse park, the home of football in Scotland.

   Over the years this took the form of forms of non violent protest which has included changing the lock of the dilapidated changing rooms (the famous red hut-also refered to by Glasgow GAA historians as the Alamo) and at one stage the erection of a makeshift barricade (see photo above) to prevent vehicular access. This dissident activity was being played out as a backdrop to secret negotiations to sell the grounds and relocate to a state of the art facility at East Kilbride.

  You can see how the presence of the dissidents at this year’s convention, were it was announced that due to the recession the East Kilbride move is now off, was a political hot potato.  Moves to have them ejected from the room failed to succeed as the informed duo were able to quote rule 37 sub section 22 of the 1921 Glasgow County Board Bye-laws, which entitled              ‘ volunteer groundsmen to attend meetings and cause as much bother as possible in the process.’  The intervention of  peace negotiator Ciaran Kearney calmed the situation and rebels left the meeting.

  However, the search is on to find out who tipped them off as to where the meeting was being held.  In the frame for this one is a west of Ireland based GAA exile who has links to both the dissidents and the county board. However, since the meeting, Harps chairman, Willie Doherty and an unknown Donegal construction magnate have held unauthorised talks with the dissidents at Pearse Park.  This meeting was witnessed by students from Glasgow University and a club from Limerick who were playing an illegal match on the pitch at the time. At the centre of the negotiations is who the key holder should be of the county board’s lawn mower and who has cutting rights of the pitch.

  The whole situation is thrown into further confusion with news that one of the dissidents has joined the club. Rumours abound that Willie struck a deal to admit him to the club in return for a key to the changing rooms.  Will this whole affair lead to the club being frozen out by the county board or lead to a return to power of the dissidents? Who knows, but the team currently trying to resolve the impasse in Cork GAA are believed to be on standby to fly over should hostilities resume. 

Secretary Sunk

Auctioneer Sold Out

Legendry raconteur and professional gambler Jim “ Sporty” Roarty has been sensationally sacked from his  prestigious position as auctioneer at the club’s annual awards dinner, which next year will be in the salubrious environs of the Crowne Plaza Hotel.  Although Sporty has been a steadfast supporter and sponsor of the club since it’s foundation and the fact that his gin sodden performances during auctions at the annual dinner have afforded him cult status with regular dinner attendees  all seem to have counted for little among the table sellers on the commm—iiiii----ttteeee.  Who else could have raised money from a prize offering a day out in Govanhill, or dinner with Daniel O’Donnell (the south side one not the Donegal crooner)?  Many will also recall dinners when he managed to deeply offend both Celtic and Rangers supporters by demeaning their gallant efforts on the field of play.  The way he played club patrons of an old firm persuasion against each other was hilarious to many and deeply disturbing to others.  He was a bit like an auctioneer version of journalist Gerry McNee.

Times change however and as the club dinner has grown in stature and attracted more great and good people onto the committee, there was a groundswell of opinion to remove the old warhorse.   Missed bids, inebriated demeanour and forgetting what he was auctioning off as a result of old age were touted as reasons, as well as the feeling who was a little boorish and uncouth for our target audience. 
It was left to Sporty aficionado, Big Nose, to break the news to the Donegalman.  However, before he got the chance pass on the bad news he received a call from Sporty to say that he was celebrating his birthday in Spain with his family and would not be able to make the dinner next year. Big Nose was apparently big time relieved that he didn’t have to pass on the news of his sacking, but we at Sheep’s Eye believe that the committee’s decision should be exposed. His place is being taken by Irish entertainer Big O. So Big O has given Sporty the big elbow.  I think we should launch a campaign to Save Our Sporty (SOS) or even run an alternative dinner for the great unwashed and people of no property.

Obviously, everyone will want to know who is behind this shock move.  Well I can exclusively reveal that retired businessman Gerry Gavan is behind this dastardly decision and my source tells me he was originally touting himself for the job before an unknown construction magnate pushed for Big O.  Those who have been attending the dinner over the years will recall how Gerry turned up one year wearing jeans and a t-shirt, a fashion blunder which pushed the tut tut community in the club into overdrive. He has kept a low profile since then spending his retirement hours rebuilding his support base in the club.  It seems we might not have heard the last of this, as the bold Gerry looked on the dinner as an opportunity to raise his profile and launch a challenge for chairmanship of the club.  This move  is sure to create friction and unease with current chairman, Winkey Doherty, who always looked on Gerry as a close confidante.  Jim Roarty is 72.
 

The Hunt For Missing October

Did you here the one about the community worker, secretary, development worker and community youth group chairperson? No? Then read  on. 

With such a collection of important sounding people you wouldn’t think a lot in life would collectively pass them by.  Well that’s arguably the case, and certainly when the club’s DO asked for a few volunteers to proof read his leaflet to promote the women’s festival in Garngad, that names of local celebrity Andy Cameron (not the Take The High Road star) , Janice Aitken, the straight talking shinty goalie and wummins committee leader aff in the club and the ever efficient and meticulous club secretary Grace McBride, are not those you would associate with bungling incompetence.  Or are they ?

The story goes that Mr Main the DO was pulling one of his all too regular “ I’m up to my eyes in it…three 12 hour shift already this week” stories.  He felt he needed the support of key individuals in the festival who were tuned into the festival programme to proof read the leaflet.  He asked them to look out for days, dates, times and venue on the leaflet and to check, double check and then check the double check for errors or omissions. 

Sure enough there were one or two mistakes here or there and the final run of 2,000 leaflets and posters duly hit the streets with all the information about the most exciting festival programme to date.  Or so we thought.  Everything indeed was there in black and white apart from the month! Yes folks, the month of October was missing! Days, dates, times ,venues yeh it was all there, but nowhere was there the slightest indication as to what month of the year the festival was happening in. Is anyone out there free to proof read a P45 ?

Criminal Gangs Infiltrate Club Camogie Team

The problems with gang territorialism in the east end of Glasgow are well documented, but they reached a new low in recent weeks when a member of the Shettleston sabre & hammer rattling young team (SHYT) turned up at our under 12s camogie and hurling training one night.  He was certainly dressed for the occasion with track suit, trainers and whites sports socks.  “ A wannnt tae join ra team” proclaimed wee shuggie (we have changed his name for legal reasons-his real name is wullie).  “A stoal wan ae yer bats last week.  Am sorry a didnae mean it,” confessed the errant child with the innocent look of a choirboy making his first communion. 

As the story unfolded it turned out that the disenfranchised young person on the margins of society had indeed stole the hurling stick during a match we had the previous week.  However, he was later apprehended by law enforcement officers while allegedly making use of the stick to defend his community against invaders. Apparently, he tried to bluff his way out of a £10 fine and a year’s probation by claiming he was coming from the match and was practicing the overhead catch when apprehended by the men in blue.

His appeal for an alibi fell on deaf ears with the hard nosed team manager, Grace McBride, despite an appeal for leniency by the club’s development officer.  This appeal was not based on any christian or social conscience act by Mr Main. No, the ever fiscally motivated and opportunistic Glasgow exile had heard about some grant the club could get if we kept Shuggie out of jail for three weeks.

Camogie Team Backs Club Healthy Lifestyles Campaign

In a unique and ground breaking initiative to promote healthy lifestyles and alcoholic prudence among our male players and members, the club’s camogie team have produced this poster which is sure to have many of our senior players rushing to enlist in the Pioneer Total Abstinence Association. Although taken a while back many of these young ladies are still to be seen turning out for the Harps on a regular basis. 

 Roscommon Rover

As we stated in our introduction from time to time we plagiarise other people’s work.  Some of the contributions below will be new to you, while others you may have spotted on other sites.  What is remarkable are the similarities and images it conjures up in your mind of many of the colourful players, officials and supporters who make up the ranks of our club:

You know you are a GAA shaper when...

1. You wear white boots.
2. You are the only guy with tanned legs on the team in April.
3. You put gel in your hair before the game.
4. You have bleached hair or a pony-tail.
5. You have to get a hair cut before every match.
6. You wear your collar up to your ears.
7. You have at least one life threatening injury per game.
8. You hang around outside the dressing room after a match (still togged out) looking for people to tell you how good you played.
9. You warm up looking into the crowd.
10. You wear the latest range in thigh supports, knee bandages, etc when in reality there's shag all wrong with you.
11. You sulk every time you lose, you blame the pitch, the wind, the sun, the ball etc, if you miss a chance (above all it was not your fault).
12. You complain that the backs never play good ball to you (you are always a forward because they score (backs get no glory), probably wing or corner (because you can pick up a handy score there and also wave to the crowd)) and if the selectors knew anything (which they don't) they would make you captain.
13. You insist on making yourself available for 2 championship matches on the same day.
14. You threaten to quit the team cause the manager won't pick your brother.
15. You make your own speech in the dressing room after the captain and mentors have made their speeches.
16. You leave in two soft goals...one dropped out of your hand....and you complain of a shoulder injury when trying to puck out the next couple of balls.

A Typical Harps senior football team line up.......

Goalie - must have 'great goalmouth presence'.... which is secret code for being fat enough to have his own gravitational pull. Always in the 40-50 age bracket, this is a gent that will almost convince you that he played minor for the county in goal, even though the last time he got his knees dirty diving was at a ceili in 1965 when his version of the Hucklebuck went out of control, with numerous casualties.

Right corner back - the quiet man of the line-up he seems to escape the jokes in the dressing-room just because no-one has ever seen him angry and are afraid of hidden depths. Unmarried farmer with severe emotional baggage. Contact with a woman consists of the handshake at mass on a Sunday morning.

Full back - First started playing football some time in the Pleistocene Epoch. Nicknamed Sledge like "yer man outta U2". Will get a nose-bleed if he passes beyond his own 50 yard line. Utterly, utterly useless and yet is a great hit with the fans. Quite likes the smell of blood.

Left corner back - Has all the footballing skills of a piece of cheese and yet has been known to disappear up corner-forward's backsides for days on end. An absolute cast-iron guarantee to be made mark the other team's young and absurdly fast superstar in the making.

Right half back - just out of minor, this boyo is sadly not going to get anywhere near the senior team... and yet hasn't missed a training session since early 1989. Selection is basically the manager's way of proving that he "doesn't give a damn who you are, if you're not down training we're not going to give you a game".

Centre back - disgruntled former senior player, tried to remove senior manager at agm and now has about as much chance of playing senior as he does of playing Hamlet in the Globe. Hasn't been junior training all year and is still absolutely guaranteed his spot on the team.

Left half back - county u-16 star, great white hope for the entire club. About 5 foot 4, he is still told to get under the kickouts and 'take the game to the opposition'... secret code for don't pass it to anyone unless your life is in serious danger.

Midfielder - chronic alcoholic who last scored a point in the late 70s and yet reckons he is justified in having a go for a point from anywhere inside the opposition's half. Well-liked character because he always gets his round in at the post-match piss-up.

Midfielder - the full back's older brother, who sports a rather strange looking bandage on his knee - probably hiding teeth marks or something. Prone to making strange guttural noises every time he strains himself. Eats five dinners a day and is a prime suspect for a coronary.

Right half forward - quietly-spoken business-man who hails from the village but is living in Dublin. Drives a flash motor. Lads who live in the pub in the town don't know what to make of him "but he was an awful annoying bollox in national school".

Centre forward - third of the set of brothers that includes the full back and midfielder. Is the target of all the brother's clearances... ALL of them. Probably the local A.I. man or something... by the way that's not A.I. in the Steven Spielberg meaning of the word.

Left half forward - utterly, utterly useless 25 year old who by some fluke of nature happens to be a deadly accurate free-taker. Tries to avoid open play altogether as he is far too important to the team to get injured. Is basically the team's only source of points.

Right corner forward - happily married man who hasn't played football since he was 12 but has suddenly decided to take up the game again. Natural talent (like his genitalia) completely and utterly over shadowed by his beer belly. Guaranteed to bag a goal or two and gain for himself some ridiculous nickname like "Schillaci" or something.

Full forward - hasn't scored since the end of the war but is captain of the team and an all-out nut case. The line commonly quoted to excuse his complete inability to find the target is "he's a good man to bust up the play." Doesn't feel satisfied unless his jersey is stained in blood... not his own. Will no doubt be marked by a similar figure playing for the opposition. Only at junior B will the full-forward and full-back play the game the exact same way, and could even switch positions with no effect on how the team plays whatsoever.

Left corner forward - the village thug, who invariably sports an ear ring and a seriously dodgy haircut. Will be involved with the referee within five minutes of the throw in. Plays the foreign game with the town five miles down the road and is hence viewed with suspicion by all and sundry. Has had a running battle with the aging club secretary who secretly fears for the virtue of his youngest daughter.
 

Some useful phrases to help you understand the games of hurling and camogie...

Mighty - very good
Hames - a right mess - e.g. "She made a hames of that clearance"
Timber - intimidation of a camogie opponent - e.g. "Give 'em timber!!"
Welt - a slap - e.g. "I gave her a right welt into the ear!"
Lamp - a good thump - e.g. "I lamped her!"
A Crowd – e.g. "that crowd from Ardrahan are a right shower of shites"
Schkelp - a good thump
Bullin' - angry. E.g. "the centre half back was bullin' after I lamped her"
Bull thick - very angry
Joult - a push
Joshel - a shoulder push
The Comm-it-eeee - Local GAA bullshitters in general.
Bushted - eg. "Jayz me arm is bushted"
Bomber - a very popular nickname for a GAA player
A hang sangwidge - consumed with tay on the sides of roads after matches in Croker or Thurles.
Citeóg - she hit it with his citeog. ie. left handed/footed
Warp - hit something hard as in "I'll bloody warp you"
Rake - Also a great amount of anything, usually pints of Guinness
A Shamozzle - a group of players shkelpin' one another but not exactly hittin' anyone at the same time!
Flakin' - usually goes on for a whole game..... eg. "Jayz Mike Murphy gave Tony Delaney an awful flakin' below in training on Sunday". To "flake" a lad for a whole game usually starts off with a bit of the aforementioned "joshellin'" and "joultin'" and develops into a bit of "weltin'" and may even result in a good "lampin'" for the victim especially if he gets "bull thick".
D'namajaysus - What was that for, referee?
Ya-bollix-ya - Corner back's formal recognition of a score by his opponent
Leh-it-in-ta-censored-would-ya - Full forward's appeal to a midfielder for a more timely delivery of the pass
Mullocker - untidy or awkward players
Horsed - bout of rough play or intimidatory tactics as in "We horsed them out of it!"
Horse - untidy or rough player. There's one in every club (The Legendary “Horse” Delaney)
Row - Fight involving four or more players swinging hurleys like lunatics
Massive Row - Row involving both team,substitutes and supporters jumping fences
Running Row - A massive row that continues out in the parking area and/or dressing room areas
"Come up ta censored"- A corner back trying to rise the ball .
"Lord Lantern Jaysus.." - "The next time you do that I'll kill ya"
"a hape" - A big quantity (Heap)
"in the paw" - To catch the ball.
"a Brawl" - A collection of bodies in disagreement with each other.
"a Dinger" - Usually a fast wing forward who can leave his opponent "for Dust".
"a right censored" - The Ref was a bit biased towards the other team.

How many characters can you recognise from your typical GAA club

The Legend:
Made one inter county wintery league substituted appearance back in 1978 and has been a regular full back on the club team, since then after having acquired golden experience and regularly deferred to as the Club expert on any scenario on the field. Wears supports on both knees, both wrists, both elbows, has no teeth left from horrendous off the ball incident involving the priest at wing back on opposite team. Completely grey from shock of farming accident 15 years prior. Wears size 8 boot which are very small feet to carry considerable girth of a man his age and width consequently has dreadful difficulty staying on his feet but can always be relied upon to drag his man down inside the square. Unbeatable on a high pulling ball and under a dropping ball has been known to ruin many a hurling career and marriage prospects of many's the young hurler. Level head on the team and can always be called upon to make a passionate call on the annual first and only round of the championship what it means to wear the colours of the parish and fellas that are years younger than him retired long ago just because they don't understand the pride, at which point he breaks down. Wants to die on the hurling field only problem is he seems to ensure it happens to many's the hurler who comes or pulls across him. The Legend!

The Doctor:
Regular supporter, generally retired, ended up holding the medical kit one day and ever since the lads have called him the Doctor. Well versed on psychology that applies in serious medical emergencies on the field. Has been known to light up cigarette for player while tending to his injuries and is especially well versed at herbal remedies for wounds liberally applying distilled potatoes from a barrel to a muscle wound with the caveat 'Don't waste it'. Generally complements his medical knowledge with detailed recollections of even the most mundane club encounters of the previous 20 years. Club allocates 50 pounds a year to his budget for medical seminars run by the county board amounting 850 pounds of club service and as many pints that have been bought in the seminar's stead. Generally is a pipe smoker and his smell of tobacco lingers long after him in the dressing room.

The Athelete:
Generally hailing from the sports mecca of Limerick this all rounder seems to have reached zenith of sports career no matter what he turns his hand to. Took up hurling at 16 years old and made the minor county team two years later pissing off a lot of fellas who had been hurling since they were born, stick in hand. He is the one lad everyone loves hopping off at training and generally sustains a lot of finger and hand injuries during training. Generally remains clean even during winter running and his kit bag is never O Neills, always Umbro, Man United or Canterbury. Never drinks with the lads in the Club and if he does it's a rock shandy or Lucozade Sport. Generally a sad individual despite the fact his girlfriend is a model. Lads have no time for him as he will never take on 7 brothers from Ballybrown for one of his own men. Bad Egg!!

The Timber Merchant:
Wheeled out of the pub for the start of winter hurling where the sliotar drops dead in the Square and the last man standing tends to be the Timber Merchant. Every Club has one as before the start of any game when fellas are giving their spare hurleys to someone to carry for them, it takes one man alone to carry the sticks for the timber merchant. Loves the throw in ball and has been known to run full lenght of the field for a throw in which he wins but hurley flies into smithereens. Tends to be well known among all the local clubs and generally the standard against which aspiring hard men judge themselves. Walks with the cocky gait of a gladiator on the field, his girlfriend/wife tends to be 'a brewtal looking wan' who looks as if she was dragged through the Liffey backwards and hit a few bunkers along the way. She generally tends to be the boss in the relationship, and is actually affectionately known as the Corner back (more details later). Timber Merchant generally retires early with major arthritis but his two sons are carrying on the family tradition having already been sent off and banned twice from 14 and u 16 championships. Dad is their hero.
 

The Keeper:
Vies with the legend in terms of team appearances and sometimes longevity, emotionally attached to his many collections of hurleys and needs at least two young fellas to carry out his hurleys at the start of a game as he has so many. Has stick for every weather type and usually has a maggoty towel of great sentimental value that he uses to dry the hurleys. Was excused from regular physical training at the age of 22 because he was finding it so difficult, consequently now weighs 17 and a half stone, can drink 22 pints in one sitting, and is looking to retire this year even though he is just turning 26. Possesses ferocious vocabulary and can often be heard spewing vitriol during a game, and that is only at his own team. Doesn't believe he deserves criticism levelled at him during a game after letting in his fifth goal ( 4 of which scuttered under his hurley), blaming the full back line for being 45 yards off their men after collectively thundering out to pull on a ball and miss it. G'wan Chunga!!! Has an effortless stroke and wins the Puc Fada every year in the parish but never lifts his game at inter county puc fada as he can't stay off the drink. His brother is known as 'The Drinker.' (see below)

The Drinker:
Would without doubt be the best county minor ever produced by the club except for the fact as a prodigius under 14 talent was given a celebratory pint by The Doctor (see above) after winning the first round of the 14 championship and it was downhill from there. Progressed from putting sugar in his Guinness to skulling half pints of Bulmers in the showers before the game. Can be regularly seen puking in the changing room toilets at half time, flashes of brilliance produced once a year for a few minutes enough to warrant the three old men on the sidelines to mourn the loss of talent in a youth such as him. The club in the light of his behaviour reviews their drink policy and radically alters it so that only Under 15 hurlers and upwards are allowed pints on the day of a match, upper limit set at 8 pints, only allowed cider and vodka, no whiskey allowed to under 16's. Had to be dragged from the local at 4am the night before the county final, eyes red in photo, scored 1-6 from play, went on a two month bender after the win, wrote off three family cars, needs to be collected for every game. Great talent.

Three Old Men:
Living vicariously through the current crop of youngsters. They attend with diligence every club game from street leaguesto senior. Hurlers on the Ditch they recall with pride the battles they fought for the parish in their days and one of them knocks with glee on the metal plate in his skull inserted after a vicious game, though he played on the full game, busted open as wide as the Hoors Gait! Not known as great supporters of the more graceful style of hurler in the club, three man fan club of 'the legend' and 'the timber merchant'. Tweed caps badly need replacing, cigarette butt almost attached continuously to the lower lip, two carry bad hips from ferocious games of their youth, and one has a shortened leg as a result of a kick from a ******* when younger, though rumour has it got was from his brother over a woman who left them both at the tender age of 28 for a midfielder in the next parish. Hasn't spoken to the brother since but managed to end career of other parish's midfielder with a flourish...'But the ball was there ref"

The Corner Back:
At first glance this name would elicit the notion of a player on the team, however this is in fact the affectionate pet name for the Lady of the team. Currently engaged for 9 years to the Timber Merchant her own history is as long and varied as the club's. A great supporter of the senior hurling team, a spin with the corner back was as necessary as a game of junior hurling for any u-16 youth wanting to be blooded for senior hurling. A very supportive young lady she has had flings with the entire full back line, half back line, midfield pairing of three years ago and 4 of the forwards, the other two having retired 7 years ago, though rumour has it she was a great supporter of them too. Her name constantly appears in the changing room banter, all the lads slagging each other about her and how they would never go there yet upon reviewing college hurling team newsletter her name appears as "Corner Back Mark 2, Corner Back mark 4 ,Corner Back 7..." and so on. Eventually settled for the raw charm of The Timber Merchant, likes her men -ahem!- hard and loves to boast about her fella cutting the head off the opposition. Has been known to stray after 17 pints of cider and gives a rousing rendition of 'Sean South' after every championship match. A great girl altogether, also regular full back on the ladies camogie team, football team, puc fada champion 23 years running assuming the title after her mother retired, herself a virgin like her mother before her.

The Coach:
Bitter about his unsuccessful inter county career he embarks on a mission to bring his crew of 19, desperate hurlers from U-15 ranks to senior inter county champions in three years. His loyalty to the Club is unquestionable. His red with white stripe O'Neills cotton tracksuit can be seen as the solitary figure cutting grass of a Saturday morning at 8am in advance of that afternoon's league game. His passion is unquenchable he finds it hard not to get frustrated at the lackadaisical attitude of some Under 13's. Guaranteed to fall out with Club executive committee over some of his training practices, expects complete infallibility and loyalty, generally loses 3 - 5 players during the year through rows about their attendance. His car tends to be a Ford Capri or Ford Cortina, or indeed has a Honda 30. Guaranteed to have 122 - 150 hurleys of all sizes in the boot, replete with sliotars, bottles, deep heat, umbrellas, damp anoraks, odd football boots, steel toe capped boots, mars bars, hats, flags, caps, two helmets, nets, two bags of filthy smelly jerseys, 1982 version of Limerick Leader July 2nd and Sindo of 1988. Great Club man, but bitter, bitter, bitter.

The Commmiitttteee:
A plethora of 'Characters' with a collective hurling experience in terms of years of 383. Matches collective waist size in terms of inches. Meet every tuesday night and discuss deplorable standard of hurling in the club. Blame soccer, rugby and The Spice Girls. Decide to remove cider from Club bar as too many lads have psychotic episodes with same, cagey about new committee member of 28 years of age, slow to change, ruthless in political manoevrings, utmost respect for the county board though the *******s didn't change our Junior B final even though we had three girls and three lads in the Scór finals. Struggle with the accounts and often reply that things have always been done that way. Strictly adhere to committee rules and procedures, everything must go 'through the Chair' and minutes are minutely recorded and scrutinised. Due to age of Committee large amount of Club budget goes on purchasing Mass cards for recently deceased member of opposing hurling teams of old, ar dheis Dé....

The Ladies Committee:
Great for sandwiches and tea after the big games always bring finer touch to Club noting that ashtrays should never be left full in the bar. Often the flirting going on between committee members and ladies committee is horrendous especially as most of them are married to one another. Fairly liberal users of bad language, have been known to question the lineage of many's the referee in their day. Very suspicious of new ladies wanting to help out and generally politely refuse offers of help throughout the year. Mother of keeper, full back, and timber merchant on the committee. 

GAA Quotes

My own favourite and one oft heard on the sidelines at Harps games is attributed to the the legendary former Pearse Harps player and  county chairman, Mick Moran. " With the wind the way it is to win this game we must keep the high balls low"  Please send in any of your own favourites.

1. "I love Cork so much that if I caught one of their hurlers in bed with my missus, I'd tiptoe downstairs and make him a cup of tea"- Joe Lynch, actor.
2. "We've won one All-Ireland in a row" -- Wexford Fan in 1996.
3. "The toughest match I ever heard off was the 1935 All-Ireland Semi-Final. After 6 minutes, the ball ricocheted off a post and went into the stand. The pulling continued relentlessly and it was 22 minutes before any of the players noticed the ball was missing" - Michael Smith.
4. "Sylvie Linnane would start a riot in a graveyard" -- Tipp fan
5. "I'm not giving away any secrets like that to Tipperary. If I had my way, I wouldn't even tell them the time of the throw-in" - Ger Loughnane.
6. "He's like Lazarus; but Lazarus didn't have such a sweet right boot" -Micheal O' Muircheartaigh on Colin Corkery.
7. "Whenever a team loses, there's always a row at half time but when they win, it's an inspirational speech" --John O' Mahony.
8. "There are 2 things in Ireland that would drive you to drink.GAA referees would drive you to drink, and the price of drink would drive you to drink" -- Sligo Fan after 2002 Connacht final.
9. "The wheel fell off my mobile home" -- Offaly's Eugene McGee explains why he was late for training.
10. "When my friends were besotted with Jason Donovan, my heroes were Colm O'Rourke and Barney Rock" -- Sue Ramsbottom (Laois Ladies Captain).
11. "We're taking this match awful seriously.We're training three times a week now, and some of the boys are off the beer since Tuesday' -Offaly hurler quote in the week before a Leinster hurling final vs. Kilkenny
12. "Ger Loughnane was fair, he treated us all the same during training-like dogs' - anonymous Clare hurler
13. "Any chance of an autograph? Its for the wife....she really hates you' -Tipp fan to Ger Loughnane
14. "You can't win derbies with donkeys' - Babs Keating before Tipp played Cork in 1990
15. "Sheep in a heap' - Babs Keating description of Offaly in 1998.
16. "Babs Keating 'resigned' as coach because of illness and fatigue. The players were sick and tired of him' - Offaly fan in 1998
17. "And as for you. You're not even good enough to play for this shower of useless no-hopers' - Former Clare mentor to one of his subs after a heavy defeat
18. "Babs Keating was arrested in Nenagh for shaking a cigarette machine, but the gardai let him off when he said he only wanted to borrow twenty players' - Waterford fan after 2002 Munster final
19. "They have a forward line that couldn't punch holes in a paper bag' - Pat Spillane on the Cavan football team
20. "Meath players like to get their retaliation in first' -Cork fan1988
21. "Meath make football a colourful game-you get all black and blue' - another Cork fan 1988
22. "Colin Corkery is deceptive.He is slower than he looks' - Kerry fan
23. "Life isn't all beer and football...some of us haven't touched a football in months' - Kerry player during league campaign 1980